The most fun can be had looking at the way people from different countries dress and interact with their surroundings.

Airports can be extremely intimidating for the unseasoned traveller, even more so if English isn’t the flyer’s first language. People of different races act very differently in a place like this.

Many old English couples, easily confused by anything that’s bright and not covered in flock wallpaper, walk around aimlessly (initially separating and then joining up again moments later when the man discovers his wife was going in the right direction), pointing at things and talking to each other in short bursts.

“Here…”, “I think…”, “what’s a gate?”, “shall we ask that man?”, “where’s the loo?”

They don’t pretend to cover up their confusion though, in fact, they walk around like no-one else can see them. Appropriate given their age since they probably can’t see anyone else anyway.

The average Italian, let’s call him Mario Rossi, is just as confused as the old couple I just described, but he is desperate to still retain a bit of cool.

• Dark sunglasses (irrespective of weather or degree of sunlight in the airport terminal) – check.
• Shiny, possibly leather, jacket (irrespective of heat – inside or outside of the terminal) – check.
• An over-confident walk, swaying from side to side – check.
• Expensive baggage, probably by Mandarina Duck, probably matching the footwear – check.
• Excessively gelled hair – check.
• Extremely expensive branded clothing – check.

Mario walks around like he owns the place (and like he idolises The Fonz) but essentially, he’s pretty scared and confused.

Out of their natural habitat, Italians aren’t very comfortable. The loose set of rules that holds Italian society together is gone; the coffee bars, the familiar family-run restaurants, the graffiti-covered trains… it’s all been left behind. All they are left with is their identity in a foreign land that doesn’t understand their language and, in most cases, probably doesn’t have the same sense of fashion.

For a lone Italian in a foreign land they are examining a strange world. Like the narrator of a natural history program, they’re hiding behind the lens (well, Armani sunglasses) – observing the people and place they’ve found themselves in.

It’s fascinating how, with centuries of history behind us, each race has evolved to what we are today. Like Mario Rossi, we all walk around like a stereotype of our home country. You see it everywhere you look – the way food is ordered, the way we look, the way we queue (Mario hasn’t worked out the concept of ordered queueing, the English are far more adept).

In a pack, the Italian is still uneasy, but collectively so.

The ill-advised over-confidence increases to the point where their combined swagger alone could knock the Earth off its axis. It’s no stretch to understand how Italian Americans have turned into a walking stereotype.

“Hey, geez – I’m waaaalkin’ here!”

But having said all that, they’re not a menace…

They don’t have the egomaniacal arrogance of the French who walk around like they own the place. They are also nowhere near as repugnant as a collection of English drunks. (Without a collective noun to call upon, let’s call them a ‘Twat of English’).

The English, on their own, are generally lovely people – quiet, considerate and polite. As a group with the addition of drink, however, they turn into a loud, disrespectful, rude swarm of idiots. If they’re wearing football shirts, then they’re an order of magnitude worse and I would pay good money to get as far away from them as possible. It’s the reason I have no inclination to go to the busy areas of any tourist resort in Spain, Greece or the Balearics. It’s also the reason I pray we lose at every major football tournament; celebration for the English is a bad thing. We’re good losers. It’s genetically bred into us not to aspire for any particular greatness and when we pin our hopes on other Englishmen being great, it all ends in tears. We won the rugby world cup a while ago, that’ll do us fine for a while.

The integration of other cultures dilutes the stereotypes over time, which is surely a good thing, although losing our identity completely would be a shame. It’s what makes us what we are, what often makes our country great and lastly, it gives us good reason to look out for Mario jumping ahead in a queue.

Look for spicy Italian food on a menu and you’ll generally be limited to just Penne all’Arrabbiata (a favourite of Gnagno, admittedly). For this reason, we’re always on the lookout for ethnic food of varying types – Indian, Thai, Mexican and Moroccan especially – anything that can give us that bit of piccante that we crave.

Finding ethnic food in Italy, however, is like looking for a chopstick in a pizzeria.

Chinese restaurants are commonplace, even in smaller towns away from cities, but anything else is close to impossible. Even if you fancy cooking some fajitas at home, you’ll be lucky to find the necessary ingredients unless you’re shopping in a city and even then you’ll be bankrupted by the cost of a fajita kit.

To our chagrin, we’ve been unable to find the ingredients we need to make anything even remotely ethnic, instead having to rely on German stores on eBay sending out the Indian and Thai curry pastes, kaffir lime leaves, coriander, lemon grass and so on. We ordered twelve Patak’s curry jars in fact, in order to keep us going for a while (they’ve not lasted long).

So, with this in mind, if we find an ethnic restaurant somewhere in Italy, we cherish it like it’s the holy grail. One of our favourites, ‘Sesame‘ – was a superb Moroccan restaurant tucked away down a quiet road in Florence. We visited a year ago and on our return to Florence recently we made it our mission to return and sample its delights again.

The food really was exquisite. Unfortunately our memories don’t stretch to recalling exactly what we ordered, although I remember the spicy bean soup which is amongst the best soups I’ve ever had. The whole meal was amazing, the staff polite and attentive and the interior stunning. It was like walking into a Moroccan riad with high ceilings and surrounded with appropriate decorative flourishes.

What Sesame offered in abundance was atmosphere; something any good restaurant strives (with most failing) to achieve. That it was an ethnic restaurant offering such great atmosphere made it all the more special, especially as appealing to a population that, generally, isn’t open to ethnic food must take enormous effort beyond just serving great meals.

So it was with great disappointment that we discovered Sesame had been closed.

We had our suspicions when we returned to Florence shortly after our first time at Sesame. It was closed then and we were told it would reopen after Summer. Whether it did or not, we don’t know, but when we returned to find it’d been turned into a design studio we were really upset.

There could of course be a myriad reasons why it closed. Perhaps the owner(s) wanted to move on, perhaps they were just bought for a large sum, perhaps someone died choking on couscous. We have a feeling though that the main reason was just that running an ethnic restaurant in Italy must be an enormous gamble and extremely difficult even in a relatively cosmopolitan city like Florence.

It’s not all bad news – there are two Indian restaurants in Rome we like very much; and two very good Japanese restaurants very close to us. Chinese restaurants have been accepted by Italians to a large degree; the food is extremely cheap and spaghetti is still served, albeit in a different manner. Japanese restaurants have become popular with wealthy, and young, Italians as well and it’s this generation that will explore both the world and the different foods it has to offer; increasing the likelihood that more ethnic restaurants will appear over Italy.

As well as a generation thing, it also seems to be an issue with genders. On a meal out with Panda’s family, all but the youngest women were not at all keen on Indian food – the men universally enjoyed it – but then that could perhaps be that men just eat anything they’re given; thankful they’re not cooking themselves.

It’ll be a slow change in attitude though. Ethnic food is a regular part of the English diet (in fact – it doesn’t sound right to call it ‘ethnic’ – to the English, it’s just food, but then we don’t have much of a national dish like Italy). Our population is also far more ethnic than Italy so supermarkets have been forced into providing all the necessary ingredients to support that large Indian, Asian and African communities.

Change, it is a comin’ though.

Here, even something as simple as limes used to be difficult to get hold of, but thanks (we think) to a marketing blitz by Corona and Bacardi, preparing a mojito at home isn’t half as difficult as it was before.

So, let’s hope it’s getting better because, as wonderful as Italian food is, variety literally is the spice of life.

(If anyone knows why Sesame closed – or if you know of any great Moroccan restaurants in Italy – let us know as we’d love to try it out.)

Going to an travel agent, perhaps? Looking through a catalog and choosing the one with the bluest swimming pool? Those with even more initiative may even ask on an online forum.

Well, my beloved Panda does things slightly differently. Armed with a spreadsheet, TripAdvisor and an overwhelming amount of geekiness, she rates each of her shortlisted hotels by creating an average percentage score for each.

This, in my eyes, redefines the term ‘researching destinations’ which, in most people’s cases, would involve a little light reading and asking the hairdresser where they went in the summer (although that does then narrow your choice down to Majorca).

Panda’s shortlisting process to get to fourteen was, in itself, a long and arduous task but thankfully (for me) I was just beckoned over when she was ready to whittle the twenty down to a more reasonable ‘one’.

Due to the time consuming nature of this task, we tackled seven hotels each. We sat in front of our laptops and went through each of the hotels, rating them based on their website, facilities, and just the general ‘feel’ of it.

One piece of advice to anyone thinking of owning a hotel (you know, with a spare million burning a hole in their pocket) – spend half of your budget on the website (and preferably hire me to make it).

Really; it makes so much difference if the website is good.

“So, oracle of knowledge”, you say. “What makes a hotel website good?”

It’s quite simple in essence but it’s amazing how wrong so many get it.

1) Avoid Flash like the plague.

Apart from the fact I can’t show off the posh hotel website to friends when I’m out because the iPhone doesn’t do Flash… Flash just tends to be very slow with too much animation and a non-standard interface. Obviously all websites have different designs, but Flash adds a whole new layer of confusing crap into the mix. “Hey, let’s do a rollover animation that sprinkles shit all down the page when you go near it – that’ll look classy”. Well done, Panda’s just abruptly deleted you from the spreadsheet.

Geeky? Absolutely. The shortlist of fourteen Bali hotels.

2) Good pictures.

This too is obvious, but if you’re thinking of charging honeymooners a fortune for staying with you, make sure the pictures show off your place to its full potential. And not too many people in the photos… but not too few either. Don’t make it look like a ghost town or anything, but don’t have Fred Flintstone standing next to the pool with his belly poking out from a Manchester United top.

3) Easy to find the relevant information.

People really just care about what facilities the hotel/room has and how it looks. Really not much else (well, apart from price of course, but everyone books through Hotels.com these days anyway, right?)

4) Keep it up to date.

If there are any offers on there, remove them if they’re out of date – otherwise you’ll just have excited newly-wed brides feeling let down that they don’t now get the complementary scuba lesson from Claude as the offer’s now expired.

5) Personality.

The hardest thing a hotel can achieve through the website is a ‘feel’ for what the place is like. Most hotel groups have a standard template they apply to all their resorts. This is usually very well designed, but it can lack personality. Of course, ‘personality’ in many cases tends to result in an awful Flash monstrosity but there a few occasions where we’d see a really beautiful website that made you instantly feel welcome.

None of that (apart from number five) is that difficult to achieve but it’s amazing how many hotel websites we saw (for big, expensive hotels) that didn’t have great websites.

I know I mentioned above about Hotels.com, but you can sometimes save a fortune by e-mailing the hotel to see if they have any offers. You’ll find the commission they’d ordinarily pay a booking agent they’ll be happy to knock off the price. Do check Expedia.com as well though as they sometimes have special rates. You’re paying a fortune for your stay so it’s worth trying to shave off as much money as possible as you’ll be paying through the nose for a mojito once you get there anyway.

We’ve chosen two hotels (well, ‘resorts’) in Bali. One near the sea, the other in the jungle. Neither of the websites were perfect in every way, but they did both have great pictures. Combined with the overwhelmingly great reviews on TripAdvisor and our feeling on viewing the website, we’re really pleased with our choices.

I’ll say which hotels we chose after we get back from Bali (I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise).

Do you have any techniques for choosing a hotel? Let us know, we’d love to hear from you – especially if you’re even geekier than us. It’ll make us feel a bit more normal.

For anyone that knows us that’s no big surprise. We’ve been together three years and in that time have practically become the same person (thankfully without shared genitalia).

As this blog shows, we have – amongst many other things – a shared love of food, wine and travelling so for our honeymoon we’ll be going on a little adventure from countryside (Cotswolds, UK) to sea and jungle (Bali, Indonesia).

We have three wonderful hotels/resorts booked during that time and will try – TRY – to document everything with video and photos. Our adventure begins on the 19th July, armed with an iPad so will be writing on here the whole time. I’m also aiming to get a nice juicy picture of a spider so wish me luck with that. (I say ‘luck’ as I’m fascinated but terrified by them).

Right – must get back to work. Well, work and looking at websites about Bali…

Sometimes I feel a bit too lucky.

I’m in love with the girl of my dreams (and she quite likes me as well, which is a relief), we live in a beautiful country and have a fluffy, loving dog that’s always here to make us happy and to lick Panda’s tears when watching Bridges of Madison County. We eat great food, drink delicious wines and since we both work from home together, we have very few outside stresses to worry about. (The only stress I feel is when playing Panda on the Wii since her competitive nature comes into play and things get messy).

The aforementioned fluffy, loving dog

We’re clearly in a minority however. Most couples or familes face the stresses of readying kids for school, going to work (doing a job that’s often unpleasant or tedious), money and countless other things that have the potential to get inside your skin and eat away at you.

What any spiritual guidance councellor will probably tell you is that you have to be ‘one with yourself’. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I think the general idea is that you’re relatively happy with how you look and your place on Earth (and in society). For me though, meeting my partner was the best thing that ever happened to me. She’s my lobster. (Obscure Friends episode reference).

No doubt there have been plenty of films, books, music and ‘Help Improve Your Life in 24 Hours’ guides saying all this before, but I’ve come to the realisation that it’s the little things that count to enjoy life to the full, either when alone, with a partner or in a family.

We’ve not gotten to the stage (let’s hope we never do) where we get bored – neither bored of our situation, nor bored of each other – and I think this is due to our need to always introduce little changes and interest in our lives. It doesn’t even seem to matter what we do or decide to do, just the fact we’re thinking about it immediately gets the heart racing and the enthusiasm pumping (if that’s what enthusiasm does). Whatever it is though, it’s important to do it together.

FarmVille: Absolute timewasting rubbish.

Panda and I are (were?) pretty lazy. Content with our peachy lives and lack of responsibility, we started waking up later, lazing around, ‘bullshitting’ on the Internet, playing FarmVille (just Panda – not me) and so on. We’d still get our work done inbetween all that, but it was lacklustre.

We were happy though, it’s wasn’t Revolutionary Road or anything. Far from it.

We have recently, without making conscious decisions, started improving our lives though in a series of little ways ranging from the geeky (and borderline anally retentive) to the ‘cool’. (I accept that anyone calling themselves ‘cool’ is immediately ‘not’). These steps aren’t necessarily expensive either (not all of them anyway) so if you really wanted to follow this blog as a guide – God bless you – you don’t have to use a credit card.

The first thing to remember is that, if you’re in a relationship or family, you have to be of a similar mindset. If you’re in a relationship, unhappy, not in a similar mindset – why?!

So here are some tips from my head. In fact, read this and then listen to Baz Lurhmann ‘Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)’ to experience a veritable overdose of condescension and common sense…

• Get organised!

Amongst other things, we work on websites – designing, coding etc. If a change had to be made, one of us would do it and invariably overwrite the other’s previous changes. It’s obvious really, but having a system that works in this line of business is essential and, for us, the Holy Grail turns out to be using Subversion. Chances are, you don’t know or care about that but suffice to say it’s improved our working process considerably.

Like this, whatever you do, there’s something around the house – or in your office – that needs organising. It doesn’t matter what it is, but once you clean it up you’ll feel better about it. I appreciate that this can take a slightly anal personality but it’s worth doing as the benefits are enormous. Even if it’s just your books, CDs or DVDs (if you still have those things, it feels quite old fashioned writing them already. Damn iTunes).

• Wake up differently

Waking up earlier feels like the best change we’ve made (and the easiest to accomplish). Given how late we were sleeping in before, as I write this now at almost midday it feels like it should be 3pm already. Whatever you do in the morning with that extra time feels better. You feel like you’ve actually done something constructive with your time.

Another thing we’ve started doing is waking up to classical music. The sound of an alarm is one of the most jarring ways to start a day and we’re sure it has a negative impact on stress. Wake up to Dvořák’s New World Symphony and you’ll feel on top of the world and also just feel that little bit more cultured. Go on, have some Earl Grey and a croissant for breakfast while you’re at it.

• Food

We love food of all different types anyway, but it’s amazing the impact you can have on enjoying every week just by allowing yourselves the occasional treat once a week. Perhaps it’s a roast dinner with a glass of brandy afterwards, maybe some Thai, maybe even monkey brain – whatever it is, as long as it’s something you’ll enjoy together with your partner or family, you’ll look forward to it all week. Variety really is the spice of life but there’s always room for routine; growing up in England there’s the tradition of a Sunday roast which I always loved and looked forward to.

Now give yourself a ‘treat’ like that every day and you’ll be amazed how fast time goes (and how enjoyable it is). Treats don’t have to be fattening, sweet, expensive or complicated; they just sometimes take a bit of planning and effort. But plan with the other person/people in your life and you’ll all enjoy the experience equally. Now we have a rough idea what we’re going to do every day and no week is exactly the same (apart from Sunday’s roast).

One of our treats now (and yes, this could seem a little sad) is having jam on toast (well, Italian sliced biscuity toast things) in the morning. Yes, just jam on toast, with some juice. Pathetic really. As I write it I realise we’ve lost any credibility we had to begin with, but my point is that if there’s something small like that that can bring so much joy, introduce it into your life. Even if others will think you’re idiots.

Panda's beautiful Nike LunarGlide+ trainers

• Sport

Argh. Yes, I’ve said the ‘s’ word.

Being a relatively lazy couple, this one has taken a bit more effort than the others but it’ll pay off in the end. Both of us love gadgets (and any excuse to buy something new) so we’ve splashed out on a Wii, Wii Fit, Wii Sports Resort, Wii Active, iPod Nanos, Nike+ trainers, Nike+iPod link and new sporty clothing so we look ‘cool’ (there, I said it) when we’re sweaty and out of breath after running a kilometre. I also mentioned before that Panda is competitive, so having the Nike+ system is a perfect way to compete (in a friendly way) with each other and push each other on to each new goal. We already walk the dog twice the day but now we have an excuse to run at the same time. We don’t have any weight or fitness goals particularly (we’d never reach them) but the plan is just to be – and feel – fitter.

We’re lucky here with the weather of course. I don’t think it’d be half as comfortable running back in England but here the weather is usually very good from April onwards so running is a pleasure. Working when returning is also improved as you feel better about everything after a little run.

Unless you fall over (and I’ll leave that little story for Panda to tell)…

• Read together

For Panda’s birthday last year, part of her present was a subscription to National Geographic. Panda loves photography – and travelling (as we both do actually) so it seemed the perfect gift. Something we’ve started doing now is reading it together with a cup of coffee or glass of wine. It’s a great way to read the magazine as we can comment on the photography and articles together without me reading it first and proceeding to bore her about an article before she’s read it herself. “I read about these Patagonian monkeys…”, I say. “Really?”, she says (doing something else far more interesting like cleaning her keyboard).

As with a lot of these things, it’s just a case of sharing an experience with the one(s) you love.

• Money

It’s probably the #1 source of stress for most people but we’ve found that money really doesn’t make too much difference (“that’s what people with money say”, I hear you scream).

Having a little more would be great of course but usually to get more money is stress in itself so being poor but happy I’d say is definitely the better option. However – it’s easy for me to say that… you’ve read the list of sporting stuff we’ve just bought which is not the kind of purchase recommended to people short of money, but running even without all the gadgets is still a pleasure and is, of course, free.

As for food, try going to markets to get fruit and veg. It’s another way of feeling better when you’re not feeding the corporate machine that is Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Walmart (insert your own country’s supermarket here). So, without turning into a tree-hugging hippy, buying from markets ensures you keep farmers farming and the money you can save is considerable. Plus, it just smells better!

• Not Holidays?

I could have mentioned holidays as well. We absolutely love going away (who doesn’t?) but the stress involved with the cost of it all combined with getting to and from the airport, the confusion of another country’s language and currency, not knowing where you’re going when you get there, weird tropical diseases, taking kids, weather, sunburn etc. etc… it can just be more trouble than it’s worth.

However, I know a lot of people – families especially – save up all year for their holiday starving themselves of fun during the whole time. What’s the point hating life for 50 weeks of the year and relatively happy doing bugger all on a beach for two?

Spread that money out a bit. Don’t go on holiday with kids that are too young when they’re not even going to appreciate it. Do some sports. Eat better. Wake up to classical music. Be geeky.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

New Year’s celebrations tend to divide people. There are those that can’t wait for a big party in a crowded place; full of alcohol, friends and a buzzing atmosphere rising to a crescendo of celebration when the clock strikes midnight. Then there are the people that prefer something a little more sober (both in alcohol content and atmosphere).

It’s understandable that marking the beginning of a new year with your nearest and dearest is important to many – and certainly makes more sense than going to a party, drinking two times your body weight vodka, copulating with someone more inebriated than you and then throwing up three times your body weight when they throw you out at 3am.

For me, my nearest and dearest is Panda – the thought of spending time on New Year’s with a group of people I don’t know (and most likely don’t really like) doesn’t fill me with joy no matter how drunk – or how close to the new year – it is.

All that being said, we decided to get away from the Christmas stresses and go up into the north of Italy in a region called Alto Adige which is where Italy fuses into Austria (geographically and culturally). The town we chose to stay in is called Merano/Meran (the former is the Italian name, the latter German – you get used to almost everything being written in both languages).

Not a bad view to wake up to.

The Italy of the north is very different to the rest. People, with the Germanic influence, are a teenzy veenzy bit more ordered than the sun-influenced and let’s face it – more passionate – folks down below. The mountain air brings clarity of mind and spirit that the southerners (and ‘middlers’ if there is such a thing) don’t enjoy. I have a real problem with Italian drivers. Arrogant, impatient, unpredictable; they drive like stunt drivers in a disaster flick. I’ve always found it baffling really; Italy has some of the most beautiful architecture and scenery in the world (certainly some of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen) so quite why they feel the need to ignore it all completely and rush around like crazies really bugs me.

Anyway, the further north you go, the more ordered everything seems to be – people even drive in one lane instead of taking up two of them. The people are perhaps a little colder but, when walking around in the mountains, you’ll usually find a smile from passing walkers as if to say “good to see you like the mountains – join our Warm Socks and Red Cheeks Club” (of which Santa Clause is surely the patron).

Snow sprinkled around the vineyard

We experienced a little bit of a snow flurry in England before Christmas, but craved for more so our idea of being in the mountains was driven in part for the need to get some fresh air and snow to see in the new year. However, since we were booking things so last minute, our options were limited as to where to stay. We also found travelling costs far more inflated than we perhaps would have wanted – the price you pay for spontaneity!

Since Panda didn’t fancy driving (it’s a hell of a distance) we got a train – well, three of them – from Rome to Merano.

The first word of advice to any travellers wishing to go anywhere near the mountains at this time of year – don’t count on the train having any seats. From Rome to Verona was fine (we had allocated seats on the posh train) but when the train from Verona to Bolzano arrived, all Hell broke loose. Firstly, it’s worth deviating slightly to stress how horrible Italian train stations can be due to the infestation of smokers. It doesn’t matter where you go or try to hide; you’re destined to sniff some smoke. I’m not sure whether this is because such a high percentage of Italians are smokers or whether it’s just that the stations aren’t smoke free like the ones in England (and no doubt other countries) but it makes for a really unpleasant wait for the train. On top of this, Italians don’t believe in politeness or chivalry when it comes to getting on a train (or letting others get off). You have to be a child or disabled (preferably both) to have any hope of relief from being pushed out of the way by an over-gelled, Ray Ban wearing idiot.

We had this issue ourselves and, of course, I came in for a lot of punishment from Panda for letting the aforementioned greasy Italians in front of me when I was actually pretty close to the train door myself. In my defence, the Michelin woman was standing next to me and pushing forward like an over-sexed male humpback whale in mating season.

Our view at night while we're warm inside with a glass of Lagrein. Yum.

Once on the packed train (feeling like chickens on the way to the abattoir) we tried to find any available seats but were instead forced to stand for a large portion of the journey. The moral of this story is: either grow balls and act like an Italian by pushing everyone out of the way first; push all the smokers onto the tracks before the train comes (freeing up 80% of the space) or just wait for the next train and hope that it’s not so full.

The next train was uneventful and peaceful (as can be expected once reaching the stressless atmosphere of the north of Italy) and we reached Merano just in time for my iPhone’s battery to die, leaving us a little lost and me a little bashful since we (okay, I) was relying on that to find out where the apartment was.

Using a combination of the laptop and Panda’s natural compass, we were able to make the long – and damn tiring – walk up the mountain to our apartment. Their website promised a great view of Merano and it certainly delivered, but that view does involve a hell of a walk with Panda carrying the obligatory camera equipment and me carrying all the clothes and shoes (which gets remarkably heavy when going up a hill).

Once settled in the apartment we showered, gathered our thoughts and then decided to head to a restaurant. The one closest (yes, we were that tired still) had no tables available, but the next closest also happened to be one recommended very highly both online and by the owner of the apartment – Santer Klause (very appropriate given the time of year!)

Santer Klause is family run – as most of the restaurants in Merano appear to be. We were greeted by the staff as we entered and shown to our table by a stern (but pleasant) lady. The menus (in German and Austrian) were full of wonderful sounding foods and wines. As an aperitif we had a Kir (a mixture of Cassis syrup and Prosecco) which was wonderful, and particularly great given that we’d not tried it before. We then opted for the Blauburgunder Lagrein as our main wine which was a great match to our meal. The meal – it has to be said – was perfect. The “Farmer’s Soup” (Zuppa di Contadino) was delicious, the lamb with pepper-infused polenta was one of the best lamb dishes Panda had ever eaten, the veal with potatoes (presented in a pan, propped-up on a crazy wooden thing) was exquisite and even the salad tasted fantastic thanks to the cumin seeds inside it. We had a blueberry pancake (it was called something far more German on the menu) that was pretty good, although that was the weakest dish of the meal. We did treat ourselves to two liquors as well – one apple, one blueberry; both a perfect end to a wonderful meal.

One of Merano's charming little streets.

The restaurant itself is typically Austrian – very warm (wood) throughout, no pretension whatsoever and enjoyed by families. The style of the food was simple (all the best food tends to be) but extremely tasty to the point where both of us are craving to go there again.

One of the other places recommended countless times was Cafe Saxifraga which we visited twice on our next day; once for a morning hot chocolate and again on the way back from a beautiful walk to the next town – Tirolo (a two hour walk that was surprisingly leisurely given the sweat and stress of getting up to our apartment from Merano town!).

Saxifraga is a husband and wife run restaurant in a beautiful house. Its menu is full of delicious sounding meals but Panda and I enjoyed goulash soup and goulash with canedali (cheesy, bready balls of loveliness). The Chardonnay we ordered was house produced and the Pinot Noir was Blauburgunder (the same make as the Lagrein from Santer Klause) – both wines were excellent with the Chardonnay particularly distinctive given its aroma of mountain soil (a bit piney) which Panda was very quick to identify. Although we drink a lot of wine, we’re not always that great at working out the aromas, but Panda was spot on with that.

The meal was very good – and perfect for lunch. The service was good – although we ordered two goulashes (specials on the menu) and they were only able to give us one (proving it’s not just us obsessed with goulash in the mountains) but they were very apologetic and really, something quite terrible would have to go wrong in one of these beautiful restaurants to leave a really bad taste in the mouth. In such warm, aesthetic restaurants with the spectacular surroundings and a glass of good wine, I find it difficult to really get annoyed about anything. (Unless someone suggests that the BBC doesn’t actually make documentaries like Planet Earth themselves and just finance a bunch of freelance photographers instead… that annoys me. I have some British pride even if it’s just for the BBC!)

The Christmas Market

The next day we headed for an enoteca (a wine bar) called “Relax” which is another of the most popular places in Merano. From the outside, the place didn’t seem too inspirational. The logo is bordering on art deco which doesn’t suit the area at all (it’s not a ’20s American themed bar) and the building its situated in is not particularly impressive given the beauty of the region. However, once inside it actually looks pretty good – and when the pumpkin soup came out (immaculately presented with balsamic vinegar, little blobs of green stuff around the bowl and two thin pieces of bread in the middle) we were absolutely sold in the place. It was a fantastic soup. The mains were also good (I had tagliatelli al argue selvatico – pasta with meat in other words) and Panda enjoyed the gnocchi. Both mains were good, although did a hard job living up to that soup. The Lagrein we drank was the best we’d had so far in Merano. God knows from what vineyard it was, but we enjoyed it thoroughly.

On walking around Merano a little bit we enjoyed a quick glimpse of the Christmas market (full of wonderful smells and sights), the outside ice rink and the thermal pool (which, due to forgetting to pack any suitable bathing attire we were unable to visit). Also around Merano are hundreds of different plants and trees, all numbered for reference; it must be a beautiful town whatever season you visit but especially interesting for botanists.

Our New Year's meal

The next day we returned to the Christmas market to buy a selection of meats and cheeses for our New Year’s feast. We also enjoyed a glass of Gluwein – an essential beverage for the cold. It was at this point that it started snowing (which turned to rain) but at least we were in a beautiful part of Merano drinking Gluwein at the time, we couldn’t ask for better than that. We bought a whole load of cheese from one market stall… most of it extremely nice, some of it tasting like ass (and smelling like feet). We also bought some tasty honey, proving that bees up in the mountains are happier than those down south. Some salami was purchased from another stall along with a pretty expensive bottle of Pinot Noir (that turned out to be the worst ever unfortunately).

The cold rain eventually got the better of us and we decided to get back – stopping to get the rest of the meal at a Spar. There we found a very tasty selection of meats along with a woodland fruits mustard which cost a fortune but turned out to be a good addition to the meal.

Our meal for New Year’s was wonderful. We celebrated at midnight drinking wine and watching fireworks all over Merano – even high up in the mountains where there was no other light at all (perhaps the bears enjoy letting off a few as well).

Thinking about previous years’ New Year celebrations – the stress of being around family (everyone tired, irritable, forcing enjoyment) or the unpleasant experience of going out when it’s bloody cold and spending too much in a packed bar made us appreciate this time even more.

We’d recommend it in a heartbeat for anyone, like us, that just likes to ‘be one with nature’. (Okay, forget that, just ‘be away from idiots‘).

Feck! Arse! RyanAir!

RyanAir are a horrible company, that’s no surprise to anyone that has been forced – or stupid enough – to have to travel with them. In fact, there’s more venom and hate thrown at them than any other company around. I doubt even Microsoft get as much hate mail. For those who are lucky enough to have avoided them, they’re an Irish airline that are very profitable due to their endless additional charges, tightness and general rudeness towards their own customers. Their CEO, Michael O’Leary, is a git of the highest order.

In fact, as fellow Irishman Father Jack (from sitcom Father Ted) would say, “They’re a shower of bastards”.

Someone else has clearly got issues with them as well as this website for “CrynAir” shows.

It even comes complete with flashing tacky adverts. It’s so accurate it’s not funny (well okay, it’s a bit funny).

Then I tried something remarkably simple to stop the crying and it seems to work – although I’ll be interested to hear if it works for you as well!

When cutting the onion, don’t breathe through your nose – just through your mouth.

Simple as that, give it a go!

It’s also no surprise (since we hear about it almost every day) about how many have been sold and how many apps have been downloaded for it.

It’s also been copied in almost every way by every other mobile phone manufacturer out there (apart from Nokia who are either too shit to see its brilliance or too stubborn to take any hints) so I shouldn’t be too surprised that its clearly inspired the advertising agency involved in the advert for Greece 4000.

The advert came on while I was watching MTV (providing a bit of relief really given that MTV is mindless crap) and I was immediately struck at how familiar the music sounded.

(See it on YouTube)

“What is it?” I thought to myself.

Then, it occurred to me… it was my ringtone! The standard one that comes with the iPhone. Alright, they’d added some more musical elements, but in essence, it’s the same ‘tune’.

So, either it’s complete coincidence or, the composer for the Greece 4000 advert was sat at their piano, desperately trying to think of what to play. They were probably playing with their iPhone, using an “I’m Lacking Inspiration” app (which I’m sure exists) – then someone called, breaking the composer’s concentration.

“Bastards! Who dares disturb my research!”, they exclaim, clutching the air with a clenched fist in a matter not unlike a James Bond villain.

Then it occurs to them – “that’s it!”

“Da-da-da, da-da da da-da-da! Perfect!”

Of course, they do change the last two “da’s”, otherwise it’d be blatant copying, but essentially, that’s what they finish with.

They deliver the music to the ad agency who stop snorting cocaine and discussing their Prada shoes for a minute to listen.

“That sounds great – so familiar, too! Let’s go with it! Great, man, great… now, I think we deserve some coke… (snort)”

And there you have it – the iPhone continues to inspire on every level, as does my uncanny ability to describe the inner workings of an advertising agency.

Next up an iPhone ringtone will be in a number one hit, will inspire Pink Floyd to make a new album and will inspire religions around the world to stop fighting and just download some fart apps instead.

Lists, to men, are like catnip to cats. We can’t resist them. It doesn’t matter what it is, we’ll create a list for it. It’s our anally retentive side coming into play; we like to know everything has its place. Most men I think can name their favourite albums, movies (and perhaps girlfriends) in a specific order since we’ve had every waking day to think about it.

When we forget to take the rubbish out, or wash up, it’s probably because we’re making a mental list of something (boring household chores perhaps…)

Lists are also endlessly used in television.

No doubt you will have sat through the Top 100 Singles of All Time, Your Favourite Films Ever or Top 100 Celebrity Sex Scandals – all the cheapest of TV formats and laziest of concepts, which is why they usually end up on satellite channels you’d rarely watch otherwise. They bring out the same D- and C-list celebrities (who’d turn up to the opening of a Coke can) to sit in front of a brightly-coloured animated backdrop – similar in style to a Lava Lamp – and then talk about an event/film/album/song/person the producer had reminded them about a few minutes earlier was such an important part in their life. The better celebrities may retell an amusing anecdote; most will resort to just laughing about nothing (the more they laugh, the more we’ll notice their smug faces while we’re drifting off to sleep) and talking bullshit.

“Oh yeah – haha – this one time my brother and me were – haha – were listening to this Queen song and doing that thing they do in Wayne’s World – haha – and – haha – my brother hit his head on the window of the car! Haha (remember me from that obscure show five years ago?… No?…I was great, honest…)“

However – and the producers of these shows know it – there’s something strangely addictive about them. Even if you get the most irritating celebrity most of all; stitching all the segments together with a witty thing to say before and after each advert break.

One of the worst example of this was probably David Gest (winner of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!) presenting the 100 Best Michael Jackson Songs (or something). It was an old show, repeated especially for the death of MJ. The embarrassing links provided by Mr. Gest reached their apex when he announced something along the lines of “You’ll live forever, Michael – you’re the best!”. David? I’m Embarrassed, Get Me Out Of Here!

Blogs also use this format. It’s a sure-fire way of getting people looking at your blog – people love lists remember!

So, all this being said, for the sake of both selfish amusement and the irony of my last paragraph, I’m going to resort to a list myself.

This list is (as you will have noticed from the title) regarding The Ten Best Music Videos in the World… Ever! (The title inspired by all those compilation albums from the late ’90s – in fact, they’re probably still churning them out).

The reason I’m picking music videos is that, by chance, I was watching MTV and between the irritatingly inane shows they put on, and the endless Rihanna videos, something interesting (and refreshingly pleasant on the ears) came on. Something with a wonderful hand drawn style featuring a superhero fighting squirrels and things to reach the princess in distress. The video is number one on my list (which is actually not in any particular order) and it inspired this little blog entry, so blame it for any boredom caused for this post.

It’s worth saying that I’ve been a fan of music videos ever since I got MTV2 a long time ago (in the good old days before it turned into the channel for Shit American Rock), so I know my Michel Gondry from my Chris Cunningham. There are many, many wonderful music videos around (and really, the top ten directors would have been more appropriate since so many are consistently fantastic) but leave any comments if you think I’ve missed out something really amazing.

1. Coldplay “Strawberry Swing” directed by Shynola. View on YouTube
This the first Coldplay video I’ve loved. The others have been okay, but either linked to a damn durge of a song (The Scientist) or just a bit too odd for their own good (Don’t Panic). The basic concept is that Chris Martin is a superhero on a background drawn, with chalk, on a pavement. Obviously this kind of effect could have been achieved in a computer but it seems Shynola actually hand-drew the damn thing with Chris Martin balancing/laying/hand-standing for each frame – I imagine having to wait for the artists to finish each drawing. To someone lacking patience like myself (I love animation but really, it’s boring as hell doing it frame by frame – see this fantastic Fast Show sketch) this makes Chris Martin an absolute star in my books (as if the rest of the world didn’t already consider himself one).

As for the song itself, I didn’t actually think much of it when I first listened to the album (to the point where, on seeing the video, I wondered whether it was even on an album) but now, I listen to it on an almost daily basis.

Users on YouTube obviously love it as well… “this is the most coolest video i have ever seen” is one of the more insightful comments.

It’s a rare but wonderful thing when a music video makes you like a song even more – or even to notice it at all. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does it makes for a great experience. You’re able to listen to the song at any time and, even if the lyrics don’t connect specifically with you or if they are too abstract in the song to relate to anything, being reminded of the video makes it much more visual. It’s like a soundtrack album to a movie but in reverse, I’ve listened to The Shawshank Redemption soundtrack countless times, and it always evokes memories of the film (which is my favourite by the way – I’m sure I’ll do a ten ten movies as well some time…)

The talented artists behind this video are called Shynola who created the wonderful animations for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (one of the better things about the film) along with countless other videos – their best listed below, check ‘em out as they say in the States.

• Blur “Good Song” – Drawings by my favourite cartoonist, David Shrigley, animated – again, making an otherwise fairly pedestrian song come to life in what I think is the funniest music video I’ve ever seen, although I appreciate it’s not to everyone’s taste. View on YouTube

• UNKLE “Eye for an Eye” – An amazing video about cute little things running around their happy place being duped into drinking from giant nipples by an evil race of wasp things that then assimilate them all and take over their land. A thinly veiled political comment about the way the West come in, guns blazing, promising a better life and leave having destroyed everything. Well, I think that’s what it’s about anyway. It’s an amazing song and I bought the album because of this, which is lucky because it was, in my view, the best album of that year. View on YouTube

• Junior Senior “Move Your Feet” – I’m of the Commodore 64 generation, so anything with pixel graphics gets my vote, and it doesn’t get any better than this. It’s a crazy song (let’s face it – gay as cheese) and sounds like Terence and Philip from South Park singing, but it fits the video perfectly. As before, I bought the album after this, which is why I refuse to put this video in the overall Top Ten; the album is beyond terrible. View on YouTube

2. Radiohead “Street Spirit (Fade Out)” directed by Jonathan Glazer. View on YouTube
In those good old days on MTV2 that I spoke about with tear-filled nostalgic eyes earlier, this video was one of the most shown – with good reason. It’s a great song for a start. I’m not a massive Radiohead fan (I think they’re vastly overrated) but this one is tortured, weird and has a great tune.

The video ticks several boxes for me:

It’s in black and white (almost everything looks better in black and white); it has bits that are slowed down; bits that speed up; jumping nuns; locusts flying in slow motion; evil dogs; Thom Yorke looking weird; band member, Jonny Greenwood looking like a woman (many women would kill for his figure); glass smashing and someone falling over on their chair.

It’s put together with so much style that you can forgive them for what I imagine amounts to just a ‘brainstorming’ session where they thought “would would look cool slowed down in black and white”.

I’m sure there are many more videos considered better than this but this just sticks with me far more than most, I think due to its haunting nature and probably just that it’s, in my opinion, Radiohead’s best song.

The director is top of his class with a string of fantastic videos to his name. He also directed the wonderful film, Sexy Beast, which, if you haven’t seen, needs to be watched as soon as you can; Ben Kingsley should have gotten an Oscar for it. If that wasn’t enough, he’s the man behind the Guinness ad with the horses in the sea, the Sony Bravia ad with the exploding towerblocks of paint and the Levi’s ad with the emaciated boy and girl jumping through walls in order to reach space (apparently the most expensive advert ever at the time).

Other great videos by Jonathan Glazer:

• Jamiroquai “Virtual Insanity” – The irritatingly popular Jay Kay prances about with his stupid hat while the furniture moves around. Very cleverly done (albeit quite simple when you know how) and an example of a really good pop video, which is quite a rarity. View on YouTube

• UNKLE “Rabbit in Your Headlights” – A scruffy man walking down a tunnel, mumbling to himself, getting hit by cars. I’ve no idea what he’s thinking about (I read that he’s trying to work out the meaning of life) but the ending is spectacular. View on YouTube

3. Bjork “All is Full of Love” directed by Chris Cunningham. View on YouTube
This is one of the first videos (I think) released as a DVD single and it was the perfect video for the format. It’s stark and fascinating (like Bjork herself I suppose) and manages to be beautifully classy, despite the ridiculous premise (two robots, both with Bjork’s face, ‘get jiggy with it’ whilst robot arms prod them and cover them with something suspiciously milky and white).

The director, Chris Cunningham, has a something of a midas touch giving all his work a strange, sometimes scary, stylish as hell look that must be damn difficult to do.

In an ideal world, he’d direct an Alien film. Maybe one day…

Two of his other videos for you to look at (do a Google search for his others – they’re all great):

• Madonna “Frozen” – I think it’s Madonna’s best video. Not much happens, she’s a bit goth, she’s in the desert, there’s a black dog… but it’s a great song and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling seeing Madonna grown-up, sensible, and not jumping around in a leotard telling people they’re ‘motherfuckers’ and pretending to be twenty again. View on YouTube

• Aphex Twin “Windowlicker” – One of life’s great annoyances for me (proving I don’t have too many) is that music as God-awful as Aphex Twin gets to have a decent video to go with it. This video is wonderfully stylish, funny, strange, freaky and deserves mention because it highlights the ridiculous conventions set in rap videos where some idiots ogle girls in bikinis. This video is the antithesis of The Thong Song. View on YouTube

4. A-Ha “Take on Me” directed by Steve Barron View on YouTube
Given my love of animation and ’80s music, it’s no big surprise that this is in my list and I think most people of my age remember this video very vividly (even down to the “Nice Cold Ice Cold Milk” poster in the cafe that haunted my youth in the school canteen).

Looking back, the video is extremely cheesy but the animation is so well done it’s easy to forgive it. I also wish they’d resisted the temptation to shoehorn the rest of the band into the video using crappy footage of them playing their instruments against a suitably ‘comic book’ style background. (The same problems haunt videos these days as well – it’s so much better when a band’s ego-driven demand to feature in the video doesn’t get in the way).

The director was very successful during this period, working on loads of other memorable videos but none were really as innovative as Take on Me.

5. The BPA “Toe Jam” directed by Keith Schofield View on YouTube
The BPA (or Brighton Port Authority) is a Fat Boy Slim (aka Norman Cook) project and this, the first release, comes with a fantastically inventive video.

To explain it would ruin the joke of it, so just watch and smile…

6. The White Stripes “Fell in Love with a Girl” directed by Michel Gondry View on YouTube
When I was young (here he goes again with nostalgia) I loved Lego and animated little things with it as well. I imagine the director, Michel Gondry, did the same when he was growing up since this video (like most of his actually) has a whimsical quality.

It’s a video comprised solely of animated Lego blocks. People swimming, the band singing and playing their instruments, running – everything damn difficult to animate anyway, especially in Lego.

Michel Gondry has a knack for doing really complex things (‘high concept’ should be his middle name), as his other videos prove even further. He’s now mainly doing feature films (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind being one) which is a shame as I think his ideas suit a short running time much better.

More of his videos:

• Kylie Minogue “Come Into My World” – Kylie must have gotten dizzy making this video; several versions of her walk around several times in a circle. I have no idea how he co-ordinated a shoot like this but it’s wonderfully done. View on YouTube

• Massive Attack “Protection” – A great video with the camera moving into different windows of a big house. It doesn’t sound exciting and, well, it isn’t really, but it’s a great video. View on YouTube

• Bjork “Bachelorette” – Difficult to describe, this video starts with a story being told and then a theatre production based on that story played out within it. Just watch it, it’s fantastic. View on YouTube

7. Blur “Coffee & TV” directed by Hammer & Tongs View on YouTube
Like Shynola, Hammer & Tongs are another group of talented chaps that have worked on many videos and they all (well, the ones I’ve seen) tend to have a humourous slant which defines their style.

Coffee & TV is the tale of a little milk carton that goes off on a little quest to find a missing person. It’s the kind of video that appeals to everyone; it’s funny, cute and there’s even a bit of emotion in there as well for the kind of people that cry over spilt milk.

They’re now doing feature films as well. Their first, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was good, but flawed. Their latest – Son of Rambow – is supposed to be very good but I’ve not seen it yet unfortunately.

Hammer & Tongs have worked on many great videos, but two of my other favourites are below:

• REM “Imitation of Life” – Worth watching for Michael Stipe’s interesting dance moves as well as the technical cleverness involved. It’s a piece of camcorder footage that keeps running forward, then backwards for twenty seconds at a time – we zoom into parts of the video to see details. A tough one to explain, but worth watching, and it’s a nice little tune! View on Spike (I couldn’t find a version on YouTube with audio)

• Fatboy Slim “Right Here, Right Now” – Evolution squeezed into 3:30 minutes with a great social comment at the end. Well, I think it’s meant like that anyway, or it’s just that they wanted to end with the guy from the album cover. View on YouTube

8. David Bowie “Ashes to Ashes” directed by David Mallet View on YouTube
It makes no bloody sense at all, but it’s an example of a really inventive video when music videos were still very ‘new’ (it was back in 1983 – MTV had only been around a couple of years at that point. It was also was less shit than now). I think it was the most expensive video ever at the time due to its use of the fancy video effects (things we can all do on an iPhone these days with the correct app).

Director, David Mallet, directed loads of rock videos (specialising on Queen and AC/DC, strangely) but this is, I think, his most famous.

Of all these videos, it’s probably the one you’ll disagree with the most. “It looks crap”, mate, “You’re getting nostalgic and losing your sense of style.” But, there’s just something about it that I love. I’m not a big David Bowie fan particularly, but there’s something wonderful about him walking down the beach dressed like an idiot with an old woman wagging her finger at him (and telling him not to trust Major Tom).

9. Michael Jackson “Thriller” directed by John Landis View on YouTube
I include this video a little reluctantly as every damn list of “best music videos ever” has this in it, but it really has to be. I’m not a fan of musicals (I turned Chicago off after the DVD menu) but there’s something mesmerising about a really great piece of choreography.

There’s also the fact that this music video was an ‘event’. I was too young to remember it at the time but enough people have told me how they stayed up late to watch it to make me think that perhaps it was more of a big deal than we can appreciate these days. The Internet has ruined things a bit really… we don’t have ‘events’ any more, do we?

Anyway, the director’s other films include American Werewolf in London (that qualified him to make Thriller really), Trading Places and Coming to America so that makes him damn good in my book.

10. Massive Attack “Teardrop” directed by Walter Stern View on YouTube
God knows how a video comprised entirely of a foetus singing can be so good, but it really is.

The director is another fairly prolific one, working on videos for Prodigy, David Bowie, Madonna and INXS as well as another two for Massive Attack.

Another of his videos:

• Verve “Bitter Sweet Symphony” A riff on Massive Attack’s video for Unfinished Sympathy, this was the video that, thanks to Richard Ashcroft walking down the road like an arrogant bastard, helped launch Verve into the public eye when we already had arrogant bastards, Oasis. View on YouTube

So, that’s it.

You’ll have noticed that I’ve cheated a little bit by including other videos from some of the directors (making the list far more than just ten) but I don’t care, it’s my list, I can do what I want with it.

There are, however, some other videos I’ve not mentioned that I feel I should for various reasons – those are listed below. Have a look at all of them if you find the time!

Leftfield “Swords” View on YouTube
Summary: A bunch of people in cars, singing along to a chilled out track. I find it mesmerising.

Fatboy Slim “Weapon of Choice” View on YouTube
It’s Christopher Walken. Dancing. Nothing more needs to be said.

Supermen Lovers “Starlight” View on YouTube
Traditionally, 3D animation tends to be quite slick but here the animator has gone at great lengths to make the characters as ugly as possible. It’s a great little story and strangely emotional at the end!

Elbow “One Day Like This” View on YouTube
I’m including this partly because the song is wonderful but also because I think the video is so strange. It doesn’t match the lyrics at all but just focuses on one guy finding joy doing a mundane job. Beautiful.

Nizlopi “JCB” View on YouTube
A wonderfully nostalgic little song with a video to match.

Super Furry Animals “It’s Not the End of the World?” View on YouTube
Another great piece of 3D animation.

Pet Shop Boys “I’m With Stupid” View on YouTube
I’ve never been a fan of the Pet Shop Boys’ videos, but this one is great since it’s the guys from Little Britain doing a terrible (yet accurate) impression of Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe.

Peter Gabriel “Sledgehammer” View on YouTube
Most ‘top video’ lists include this at a high position because it was groundbreaking (and it marked the arrival of Aardman Animation – the makers of Wallace and Gromit). It is a very clever video, and perhaps the Coldplay video I mentioned at the beginning of the list wouldn’t have existed were it not for this. Oh, and it’s about shagging, but you knew that…

Definitely not on any of my lists:

Queen “Bohemian Rhapsody” Don’t View on YouTube
Just plain awful.

I hope you liked this list and feel free to write a comment challenging me on any of my picks. I’m sure I’ve left out some great videos, so tell me and I’ll be happy to rethink any of the ones above if you prove that I’m wrong in some way.